Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen
by R.ayl.ee.She.Said
Summary: The crackfic of ALL crackfics. A crackfic with more crack than Charlie Sheen. Guest starring Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Miss Piggy, ShamwowGuy, RandomGrandma, an Esme clone, and a Carlisle twin. Yeah. Crackalicious. T for language/innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), Charlie Sheen, The Hulk, Selena Gomez, or Barack Obama most unfortunately.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 1<p>

Narrator: Alice's taco sauce business is failing. Badly. Until…Justin Bieber comes flying through the window!

Alice: Ohhh! Customers! EDWARD! IS THERE ANY POTATOES IN THE KITCHEN? SOME GIRL'S WAITING IN THE LIVING ROOM!

Edward: Alice, only you have seen your imaginary potatoes. And what happened to the taco sauce?

Alice: That was SO yesterday…

Edward: But you just tried to serve Carlisle that five hours ago!

Alice: Your point being…

Justin Bieber: Um, is anyone gonna wait on me, or what?

Alice: Don't you sass me, little girl!

Justin Bieber: Ugh! WHY does this keep happening to me? I am NOT a girl!

Alice: And Charlie Sheen's not a crackhead.

Justin Bieber: But Charlie Sheen IS a crackhead!

Alice: And yet you still wonder why people call you a girl?

Justin Bieber: Being a transvestite is not a crime! My mother still loves me!

*Edward runs to Justin's house with his mother in his mouth*

Alice: AHA!

Justin Bieber: Noooooooo, MOM! Edward, you beast, you ate my madre!

Alice: Since when do you speak Spanish?

Justin Bieber: *goes off in extremely fast Spanish*

Alice: Holy crap, he's speaking gibberish and he's turning into a tomato! Emmett, get the bucket of water!

*Emmett runs in with bucket of water and splashes Justin*

Emmett: Calm down, Beaver Boy!

Justin Bieber: MY HAIR! YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR, YOU IDIOT! YOU MAKE JUSTIN MAD!

*Justin Bieber turns into The Hulk*

Alice: If you're not going to order anything, then feel welcome to leave. No hobos allowed, sorry.

Justin Bieber: But I'm Justin Bieber!

Alice: Nope…nope…nope…you're a big, green, hairy man, Justin Bieber was a girl.

Justin Bieber: TRANSVESTITE!

Alice: There is no need to be yelling random shiz like that.

*Justin runs away yelling the random shiz like that*

Alice: AH! There's a spider on the floor!

Edward: I'll get it! -picks up and eats spider-

Alice: Yummy.

Justin: I'm back, bitches!

Alice: NO!

*Edward punches Justin for no apparent reason*

Alice: Heh, look, he turned into the Brady Bunch.

*Brady Bunch family running loose*

Emmett: What the hell! Selena Gomez must be in the room.

Selena Gomez: Uh, hello? I am not Alex Russo, FYI. I'm portraying the part of Justin Bieber's girlfriend.

Alice: -shocked- Justin Bieber is a lesbian. And I thought Rebecca Black was married to Jacob.

Selena Gomez: Wow. You're almost as dumb as Miley Cyrus.

Justin Bieber: -back for some reason- WHERE'S THE TURKEY!

Esme: I GOT IT!

Carlisle: No one wants to hear about what a fail you are, sweetie.

Edward: Where did you just come from?

Carlisle: My mom's-

Alice: AHH!

Carlisle: -house. What? It's underground.

Edward: Oh, okay, 'cause I thought you were about to say-

Alice: AHHHH!

Carlisle: Many years ago, Alice was attacked by an a-

Alice: GAHHHH!

Carlisle: -as-

Alice: AHH!

Carlisle:-s and she hasn't gotten over it yet.

Emmett: Where'd the Bieber kid go?

Edward: I don't know, wasn't he in your as- BUTT?

Emmett: No, he stopped by Alice's restaurant, I dumped some water in his hair, he turned into The Hulk, Rosalie claimed she had a wedgie, Obama ate a biscuit, and I haven't seen him since.

Esme: Shit. That's not good. He really wanted this turkey badly.

Carlisle: Esme! Stop feeding people birds! There's a DISEASE!

Esme: Oh, sure, a disease only YOU know of.

Carlisle: I'm a doctor, bitch!

Esme: Oh, yeah…

Alice: So. Justin Bieber. Hulk. Biscuit. What's our plan?

Edward: There is no plan.

Alice: Oh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), KFC, Miley Cyrus, "The Cha-Cha Slide", Michael Jackson, Walmart, "The Young and the Restless", or a Porsche, most unfortunately. We do, however, own Dsme.**

* * *

><p>Previously...<p>

_Alice: So. Justin Bieber. Hulk. Biscuit. What's our plan?_

_Edward: There is no plan._

_Alice: Oh_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong>

Emmett: Well, we gotta have a plan!

Alice: And what would that be, Emmett?

Emmett: Let's go to the KFC in my boo-tay!

Alice: You...suck.

Edward: Yes, we all know that. The question is, _what _does he suck?

Everyone: -giving Emmett weird looks- Ew...

Carlisle: Okay, I know what we can do!

Esme: We're not dressing up as Miley Cyrus and walking down his street until he begs us to have se-

Alice: AHHH!

Esme: -minars with his family. What? They live in Canada.

Emmett: Alice, you just have a problem with the human anatomy in general, don't you?

Alice: *silent*

Emmett: Proved my point.

Carlisle: Emmett, you shouldn't be such an a-

Alice: AHHH!

Carlisle: -pple-faced McSlutter.

Emmett: CUT IT OUT, ALICE!

Alice: -sobbing- I'm sorry! Ever since I walked in on Edward and Jacob in bed, I just can't take it anymore!

Everyone: -staring at Edward- Say WHAT.

Edward: Alice. You SAID you would never SPEAK of it!

Alice: I'm sorry. It _slipped_...

Edward: Uh-huh. Yeah, just wait until I take you camping-

Alice: Ooh!

Edward: -and as I'm lighting the fire, a lit match will just _slip_, onto your freakish pixie head-

Esme: Alright, Edward, that's enough!

Alice: O.O

Carlisle: DAY-UM. -strutting around dressed up as Miley Cyrus- I look HOT.

Esme: CARLISLE!

Emmett: To the left. Take it back now, ya'll. One hop this time!

Rosalie: Right foot let's stomp. Left foot let's stomp.

Edward: Hands on your knees, hands on your knees.

Carlisle: AAAWWWWW, YEAAAAAHHHH!

Esme: Wait...wait...wait...just hold up one second.

Emmett: But that's not part of the dance!

Edward: And Michael Jackson didn't bleach his skin.

Carlisle: But he didn't...

Esme: Oookaaay...back to the subject.

Esme2: How the HELL did you get here, Rosalie?

Rosalie: Well, damn, don't I live here?

Carlise: No. You moved into Walmart like a week ago.

Rosalie: Right. I came to get the rest of my stuff.

Emmett: -soap opera music starts- You don't have to do this, Rosalie! I can change!

Rosalie: No, Emmett! I _do _have to, you had your chance!

Edward: What's happening?

Carlisle: -eating vampire popcorn- Rosalie has filed for a divorce.

Edward: Why?

Esme: -drinking vampire soda- Because he's physically incapable of being Justin Bieber.

Esme2: But doesn't Justin Bieber live in a house?

Emmett: Yeah, I wouldn't expect him to live in a Walmart.

Rosalie: DON'T JUDGE HIM!

Emmett: Baby come back! You can blame it all on me...

Carlisle: *walking in the background* Do...do, do, do, do, do...

**When the Cullen Edition of The Young and the Restless returns**

Alice has disappeared, incognito, to see how long it is before the rest notice. It WILL be along time. But how long?

Emmett wants to finish "The Cha-Cha Slide". Will he succeed?

And WHY are there two Esmes.

**And we're back.**

Esme: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, m-

Esme2 AKA Dsme: All you like to do is-

Emmett: PARTAYYY!

Carlisle: WHY. THE. HELL. IS. THERE. TWO. ESMES!

Dsme: It's Dsme, bitch...

Edward: Rosalie! Stop rubbing me with that pot plant! It's going to give me rabies!

Rosalie: Do you THINK I care? The hobo down the street said that if I rub you with the magical plant a beanstalk will grow and there'll be a whole bunch of gold up there!

Edward: How much did you pay for it?

Rosalie: I didn't. I gave the hobo Alice's Porsche...

Edward: YOU TRADED A PORSCHE TO A HOBO FOR A SO-CALLED "MAGICAL POT PLANT"?

Rosalie: Yep...

Edward: You're a DIPSHIT.

Rosalie: MOM!

Esme & Dsme: Yes?

Rosalie: Edward called me a bad name.

Esme: Edward!

Dsme: He called you a dipshit? That's not a name, honey, it's a _fact_.

Emmett: So true.

Rosalie: Emmett!

Emmett: What? We're getting divorced; I'm obligated to be mean to you now. DUH. Have you ever even seen this show?

Carlisle:...

Edward: Carlisle. That's your cue.

Carlisle: Oh, is it? Man, I'm sorry, I was thinking about how hot I look. Okay, um...Hey. where's Alice?

Dsme: Dude, you're like five pages ahead!

Emmett: -shaking head-

Carlisle: Uh...uh...

CarlTheDirector: CUT! Carlisle, my office, NOW!

Rosalie: OOOH.

**And, SCENE.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), Alex Russo/Selena Gomez, Dr. Phil, Tyra, 1-800-94-SMILE, Miss Piggy, a Porsche, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana that one song, or the Potty Dance. We do own: Dsme, CarlTheDirector, HoboInAlice'sPorsche, and Mexican Mini-Mart Lady. (****We really don't know what the name of the song is. -shrug- We just don't own it.)**

* * *

><p>Previously...<p>

_Dsme: Dude, you're like five pages ahead!_

_Emmett: -shaking head-_

_Carlisle: Uh...uh..._

_CarlTheDirector: CUT! Carlisle, my office, NOW!_

_Rosalie: OOOH._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3:<strong>

Emmett: You know what? I think Carl is just jealous because Carlisle gets to have an island on the end of HIS name.

Esme: That island is mine, dipshit.

Emmett: Well, damn. I lost that board game.

-Flash-

*All you see is Carl yelling at Carlisland and hitting him on the head with a script*

CarlTheDirector: -sighs- ACTION.

Carlisle: -sobbing- Well, wh-who can blame you, Emmett. Rosalie wasn't here the first season.

Emmett: You're right. Fine then, just take your inflatable dolphin and leave, Rose!

Rosalie: Don't call me that!

Emmett: Oh, what else am I supposed to call you? Dumb, slutty bitch?

*AUDIENCE OOOOOHS*

Rosalie: You BASTARD! -hits Emmett with inflatble dolphin-

Esme: Way to be harsh, Emmett.

Emmett: I don't see what the big deal is.

Dsme: Ah, don't mind them. It's their time of the month.

Alice: That explains it.

Edward: Alice is back.

Alice: No, I'm NOT. -disappears-

Carlisle: Phew. That was close.

Edward: Damn it, Alex Russo.

Selena Gomez: For the last time, I AM NOT ALEX RUSSO!

Edward: Round and round, we're never gonna stop going-

Carlisle: Edward, SHUT UP!

Emmett: Where's Jasper?

Dsme: He's probably watching Dr. Phil and trying to keep Bella from stealing his disco-stick.

Esme: No, no. He's done with Dr. Phil's lies. He's moved on to Tyra. And he took Renesmee to Antarctica for lunch. And no one knows or cares where Bella is.

Rosalie: Yum, penguins. Who's this Tyra?

Emmett: For more information, call 1-800-94-SMILE.

Rosalie: I called, but then this Mexican Mini-Mart Lady kept saying, "SHRIMP TACO! SHRIMP TACO!"

Emmett: So what! Maybe Tyra's into Mexican Mini-Mart Ladies who make shrimp tacos!

Rosalie: I doubt that...

Dsme: It's true! I read it on her blog! She does love shrimp tacos.

Alice: Where is my wallet?

Esme: ALICE?

Alice: No, it's Miss Piggy in disguise.

Esme: Oh, well then...continue, I guess...

Carlisle: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SOCK!

Dsme: How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not your wife.

Edward: What is that?

*Rosalie is climbing a beanstalk.*

Edward: So I guess it did work.

Rosalie: -shouting through the window- SEE! TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK! HA-HA! HA-HA! HA! HA!

*A big foot comes out of the sky and kicks Rosalie off the beanstalk, and she goes flying.*

Edward: SEE! I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T WORK! HA-HA! HA! HA!

Rosalie: -crumpled on the ground- Owwww...

HoboInAlice'sPorsche: Ya shoulda read the side affects, sugah!

Rosalie: But there wasn't any side affects on it. It was a pot plant.

HoboInAlice'sPorsche: Well, that's just a darn shame now, isn't it? See ya later, toots!

Rosalie: My name is not Toots! Ouch...

Emmett: Well, this sucks. My ex is crippled. Our ratings are going to plummet.

Carlisle: You're right. We should have a special where flying potatoes come back for Rosalie, Alice fries her bikini top, and Edward gets hit with a giant taco!

Emmett: Uh, NO.

Carlisle: Fine...just a suggestion...

Emmett: It was a suggestion no one wanted to hear.

Carlisle: You're an ass.

Emmett: And you're a ho. -wink-

Carlisle: Yeah. but I lost the Hoedown Throwdown to that stupid Miley Cyrus. Or was it Hannah Montana? Ah, they're BOTH stupid.

Selena Gomez: Tell me something I don't know.

Edward: You're in the wrong studio.

Selena Gomez: MAN, why does this keep HAPPENING! -flashes out-

Esme: AHH, A WITCH!

Renesmee: Oh, who cares. I have life changing news. -soap opera music starts- I...I ate...A PENGUIN!

Jasper: She ate the dad. -music cuts off-

Renesmee: But it's okay, because he was gonna leave the mom.

Emmett: Oh, like Rosalie's doing to me, you mean?

Rosalie. Hmph. I believe -hitches up inflatable dolphin- that is my cue to leave.

Carlisle: No shit, it's in the script.

Rosalie: Farewell, family! -leaves-

Edward: What a drama queen.

Dsme: Tell me about it.

Esme: Well, what do you expect, she's dumb. I told her to do the math and she's still working on it, FIVE MONTHS LATER.

*Justin Bieber appears again*

Justin Bieber: Yo, what up, shawties.

Emmett: JUSTIN! Where have you BEEN, baby?

Justin Bieber: Just under a rock. That one girl was there, the one who tried to sell me nonexistent potatoes.

Jasper: ALICE! I'm a-coming for you, sweet potater! -runs through a wall-

Everyone: ... ...

Justin Bieber: Damn, it's cold in here.

Carlisle: I...I...

Esme: Nonono! Carlisle, don't do it, please...

Carlisle: I...

Esme: Crap.

Carlisle: I SAID...HEY! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CULLENS IN THE ATMOSPHERE! HEY! IT'S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CULLENS IN THE ATMOSPHERE!

Justin Bieber: Ohweeoweeoh! Ice, ice, ice! Ohweeoweeoh! Ice, ice, ice!

Renesmee: *suddenly in deejay outfit with turntables* BREAK IT DOWN, NOW!

Emmett: -beatboxing- Go, Edward! Go, Edward!

*Edward is breakdancing wildly in the middle of a circle*

Carlisle: Oh, yeah! Get it!

Renesmee: Uh-huh, oh yeah! -doing the sexy grandma-

Esme: What time is it?

Dsme: It's T-shirt party time, beeyotch!

Renesmee: Do the -clap, clap- POTTY DANCE!

Emmett: Toes, waist, celebrate!

*Edward disappears then comes back wearing only a shell on his you-know-what*

Bella: Gasp! -has flashback upon seeing Edward-

*FLASHBACK*

Edward: Bella, let's have sex.

Bella: Wait! Wha-

Edward: Shut up and put this over your head.

Bella: But why d-

Edward: Because if I look at your face I might not have the strength.

Bella: Are you calling me u-

Edward: Ugly, yes. Now put the bag over your head so you can get screwed by a super-cool vampire.

Bella: And if I don't...?

Edward: Well, that's your problem, but no bag, no sex.

Bella: But why are you making-

Edward: Okay, weren't you the one who wanted to have sex?

Bella: Yeah, but w-

Edward: You pervert.

*END FLASHBACK*

Emmett: Damn, Bella, way to take up the whole damn script.

Bella: Edward's the one who has a problem screwing ugly chicks.

Edward: EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD has that problem, dumbass.

Dsme: You could've just turned her on her stomach or something.

Renesmee. -_- As if he's that creative.

Justin Bieber: Psh, I would know.

Carlisle: DAY-UM, Edward! First Jacob, now Justin Bieber! Is Jasper next?

Edward: Bitch, Jasper was FIRST.


	4. Chapter 4

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, Elmo, Jesse McCartney, Disneyland, Shamwow, Robot Chicken, Miss Piggy, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Sandy Cheeks, Kermit, Jermaine Dupri, man boobs, or Miracle Whip, most unfortunately. We do own: Dsme, various types of dishrags, the definition of numb-nut, ShamwowGuy, property in Tacoland, A.I.D.S. R Us, and an Alice costume, one size fits all.**

* * *

><p>Previously…<p>

_Dsme: You could've just turned her on her stomach or something._

_Renesmee. -_- As if he's that creative._

_Justin Bieber: Psh, I would know._

_Carlisle: DAY-UM, Edward! First Jacob, now Justin Bieber! Is Jasper next?_

_Edward: Bitch, Jasper was FIRST._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4:<strong>

Emmett: Guys, don'cha think maybe we should change our rating? Since Edward insists on being such a manwhore?

Esme: No. We're on Season TWO. New seasons are every twenty years. So, logically, if there's any five-year-olds watching this, they've been with us since 1991.

Bella: Yeah, otherwise it's totally impossible to follow this show.

Dsme: It's pretty damn impossible to follow any soap opera.

Justin Bieber: This is a soap opera?

Dsme: No, Justin, it's a dishrag.

Justin Bieber: Alright!

Dsme: You're a dumbass.

Justin Bieber: All of America already knows that, genius. And you're the dumbass that can't tell the difference between a soap opera and a dishrag!

Dsme: It's called sarcasm, numb-nut.

Emmett: What's a numb-nut?

Renesmee: It's when a hobo smacks Elmo with a hammer until Jesse McCartney licks a shoe he found at Disneyland. Duh.

Carlisle: No. I think it's type of dishrag.

ShamwowGuy: Wow!

Carlisle: What?

ShamwowGuy: Just look at that! Just one sham wow and that whole dumpster full of water is gone!

Dsme: Wow…

ShamwowGuy: I know right!

Esme: Robot chicken status.

Carlisle: No, robot chicken skillet status.

Renesmee: No, robot chicken skillet deodorant boloney status.

ShamwowGuy: God, what is it with this house! My butt itches.

Alice: Guess we're all immune to that over here.

Esme: ALICE!

Alice: No, it's Miss Piggy, dammit!

Justin Bieber: Yo, Miss Piggy, long time, no see, home-dawg!

Alice: 'Ey, what up, JB, how's it crackin'?

Justin Bieber: Ah, you know how it is!

Alice: Yes I do, yes I do. -nods gangsta style-

Emmett: Can I have a gangsta line?

Bella: No.

Emmett: Are you the boss?

Bella: Yes.

Emmett: Are you sure?

Bella: Maybe.

Rosalie: -whispering to Renesmee: See, this is why you don't snort cocaine.

Renesmee: Day-um, mah mamma is a COKE-WHORE.

Emmett: Even Renesmee gets a gangsta line? This is so uncool.

Esme: -to Renesmee- Only because she hangs out with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

Bella: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BEST FRIENDS?

Carlisle: NOTHING!

Bella: Oh. … Okay.

Dsme: AH! What the fuck! Rosalie's back again!

Edward: Hell yeah! Woo-hoo!

Emmett: Why are you so happy?

Edward: I finally got a line!

Emmett: Would you like a medal?

Edward: Yes, please.

Emmett: -gives Edward medal that reads: Best Corn Dog In Show- There you go.

Justin Bieber: Okay, hold up, none of this is making sense anymore!

Alice: Of course not. Have you ever _seen _this show?

Justin Bieber: No! And WHY do you keep popping up everywhere? Your boyfriend was just LOOKING for you!

Alice: My boyfriend? Mr. Speaks Like Sandy Cheeks?

Justin Bieber: -waves corn dog as a yes-

Alice: Oh, you still think I'm _Alice_!

Carlisle: You mean, -soap opera music starts- you're NOT my daughter?

Alice: -music cuts off- Hell, no.

Carlisle: THEN WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!

Dsme: It's Miss Piggy, bitch.

Miss Piggy: -pulls of Alice mask- DUH.

Bella: I KNEW it.

Miss Piggy: No SHIT, I only said it, like, FIVE TIMES.

Bella: Where's Kermit?

Miss Piggy: He went on a shopping spree with Jermaine Dupri at A.I.D.S R Us.

Justin Bieber: Well, that makes total sense. Tell 'im I said hi.

Miss Piggy: Sure thing. Imma go get a burrito first, though. -skips off-

Edward: Man…I didn't get a hug.

Justin Bieber: Sorry, but she's just not that into it.

Edward: -_- -smacks Justin with a pogo stick-

Carlisle; Miss Piggy is a deceiving little bitch.

Emmett: Quit talking to the camera!

Carlisle: I'm just letting the kids know!

Esme: And don't do drugs you find in the street.

Dsme: Isn't it just 'don't do drugs'?

Everyone: … HAHAHAHAHA!

Bella: Ahaha, that's just silly!

Esme: Since when have YOU been logical, Dsme?

Dsme: Oh, since Jacob texted me that sexy picture of him and Edward.

Everyone: -looks at Edward strangely-

Emmett: Yeah, dude, you really need to explain that _now_, before Bella; leaves you and Tacoland is taken over by midgets. They already rule reality TV, don't let them take TACOLAND, too!

Edward: Okay, for the sake of normal height people. So, what happened is, my llama ate a cheesecake then it barfed all over Jacob's shirt and then, he took off his shirt, and I was like YOU HAVE MAN BOOBS! and he was like nouuh getingbro1nzopile lopizo, and I was like, I don't understand you, you stupid bitch, and then we got drunk and started taking gay pics!

Dsme: You finished?

Edward: Yeah…

Esme: Thank God for miracles.

Emmett: Miracle Whip. I love it, my wife hates it. And now we're getting divorced!

Dsme: Hey, Emmett, guess what?

Emmett: -hopeful- What?

Dsme: Nobody gives a shiz.

Emmett: You suc-

Alice: AHHH!

Emmett: Give it a rest, Alice.

Edward: Yeah, it's not our fault you don't get what loud moaning means.

Emmett: Man, I try to do some advertising, and ya'll go crazy.

Alice: AHHH!

Emmett: How the HELL did you find that sexual!

Alice: Not that! I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm back.

Carlisle: I FOUND ALICE!

Alice: Oh no you didn't!

*Alice comes out of Alice costume and then the real Alice morphs into a water buffalo*

Carlisle: Aw, shit. The real one's a water buffalo, and now all we have are costumes. -stares at ripped Alice costume sadly-

Edward: Obviously people think it's the duesy to dress up as Alice.

Carlisle: Poor Jasper is still looking for her.

Esme: Yeah, but you know how he only looks under small rocks and behind trashcans.

Everyone: True, true.


	5. Chapter 5

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, Miss Piggy, the "Cha-Cha Slide", George Clooney, "Surfin' USA", Teletubbies, The Lochness Monster, or Harry Potter, most unfortunately. We do, however, own GameShowHost, Dsme and Darlisle Buttsicle, CrazyOldMan, Mango Central, The Yasmin, and Bonquiqui.**

* * *

><p>(It's gonna be a hot ride tonight. No, that doesn't even make sense. But, hey. Whatever. Hot ride.)<p>

* * *

><p>Previously...<p>

_Edward: Obviously people think it's the duesy to dress up as Alice._

_Carlisle: Poor Jasper is still looking for her._

_Esme: Yeah, but you know how he only looks under small rocks and behind trashcans._

_Everyone: True, true._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5:<strong>

*Meanwhile...*

Jasper: ALICE! WHERE ARE YOU! Are you under here? -checks under rock- How 'bout here? -checks under pebble- Behind this? -peers under trash can- OH! I know! REEDDD ROBIN!

MuffledVoice: Yum!

Jasper: Alice?

MuffledVoice: Uhhh...NO. It's...Miss Piggy?...

Jasper: -picks up boulder, throws it over his shoulder, and looks under- AHHH!

JustinBieber: Hey. I totally ditched your family like two and a half pages ago. No one noticed.

Jasper: But WHY are you NAKED?

JustinBieber: -looks down- You know...I have no idea. But your girlfriend likes it.

*Alice comes out wearing a banana suit and a hula skirt*

Jasper: ALICE!

Alice: -gasps- Oh no! -morphs into a water buffalo*

Jasper: Damn that Alice.

Alice: *water buffalo language* ooooooooooooo. oooooooooooo.

Jasper: But why didn't you tell me?

Alice: oooooooo.

Jasper: Whatever you want, baby. -starts to walk away- Hey, do you want a side of fries?

Alice: ooooooo.

Jasper: Oh, sorry, I forgot about that. When you get back home we'll go to the store and buy some real potatoes, honey.

Alice: ooooooooo.

*everyone pops up out of nowhere*

Edward: Okay! This is getting out of hand. I don't know if my brain can handle this much fruitiness.

Alice: oooooooooo.

Edward: ooooooooo.

Alice: oooooooo.

Edward: -gets hit in the head with a brick- Ouch!

Dsme: Score!

Carlisle: Ten points!

GameShowHost: -game show music starts- You've won $10,000!

Edward: For HITTING me in the goddamn HEAD?

GameShowHost: Not you, dummy, Mrs. Esme Cullen!

Dsme: That name is Dsme, bitch, and the last name is Buttsicle.

GameShowHost: Well, congratulations, Dsme Bitch Buttsicle! And we'll see you again for the second round, after this break!

Alice: oooooooo.

Dsme: Oh, shut up! I won that fair and square!

Alice: ooooooo.

Dsme: You can't prove anything!

ALice: ooooooooo.

Dsme: DOn't give me that tone, missy!

Darlisle: Sweetie, why the fuck are you yelling at a water buffalo?

Jasper: What the hell! Why the heck are there two Carlisles?

Darlisle: It's Darlisle, bitch, Dsme's husband.

Jasper: This clonage is getting weird.

Carlisle: Holy fudgenuggets! DARLISLE! My TWIN!

Darlisle: CARLISLE!

Emmett: To the left. Take it back now, ya'll. One hop this time!

Esme: Right foot let's stomp. Left foot let's stomp.

Edward: Hands on your knees, hands on your knees.

Bella: AHHHHH YEAHHHH!

Darlisle: Get funky with it!

Bella: To the left! Take it back now, ya'll!

CrazyOldMan: SHAVING POWDER!

Alice: OOOOOOOOOOO!

CrazyOldMan: SWEATY ARMPITS!

Alice: OOOOOOOOOOOO!

CrazyOldMan: PEANUT-BUTTER!

Alice: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -turns back into Alice-

*Old crazy man walks away.*

Jasper: Well, shit, if that was all you wanted me to say.

Alice: Nah, the old man scared me. He looked like George Clooney.

Jasper: That's special.

Carlisle: I can't believe the sluttier version of me is finally here!

Darlisle: I know, it's a flippin' miracle, eh. -in NY accent-

Emmett: Hmm. He SOUNDS like a male prostitute in New York I once slept with.

Darlisle: Emmett? -soap opera music starts- Emmett McCarty?

Emmett: Gasp! You're THAT Darlisle!

Darlisle: Emmett, where in the world did you go?

Emmett: I just went to Mango Central, and when I got back, you weren't there!

Darlisle: Well, then, that's your fault for not inviting me! I'm married now!

Emmett: So am I!

Bella: -whispering- Didn't Rosalie file for a divorce?

Emmett: Shh!

Edward: As fun as this is, once again we don't know where Justin Bieber is.

Dsme: And Rosalie doesn't know where her butt cream is!

Edward: And I don't know where my calculator is!

Carlisle: And I don't know where my orange went!

Esme: And my underwear keep going missing!

Emmett: It has to be...

Dsme: The BOOGIE MAN!

*Everybody starts running and screaming. *

Alice: Save myself... -morphs into a coffee table and starts rolling down a hill-

Carlisle: Hallabonga!

*Everybody breaks out in beach dance.*

Carlise: Uh! -pushing his ass into people and items, AKA, doing The Yasmin-

Renesmee: I've been gone for three hours and Aunty Alice is a coffee table, my grandfather is hitting inanimate objects with his ass, and the rest of my family is beach dancing. Maybe I should have stayed at Target.

Bella: If everybody had an ocean, across the USA! Then everybody'd be SURFIN', like CA-LI-FOR-NY-AY!

Edward: We're in Washington, you dumb bitch!

Bella: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Renesmee: Dad, Mom's not a dumb bitch. -muttering- She's much worse than that...

Everyone: YES SHE IS!

Bella: Hurtful... Thanks, Lochness.

Carlisle: Tut, tut. -shaking head at Renesmee- You are gonna end up just like your mom.

Darlisle: Uhm, isn't it Alice's job to see the future?

Alice: I see the world, taken over by hobos from London.

Esme: Congratulations, Carlisle, you're gonna be king of the world.

Carlisle: REALLY?

GameShowHost: -game show music starts- Are you a hobo from London?

Carlisle: Yeah...

GameShowHost: Well, you just won the world!

Carlisle: WHAT!

Alice: Oh no! The Teletubbies are rebelling!

Emmett: Throw those fuckers out the window!

Darlisle: Aw, but I was about to watch the little boy play with the bubbles.

Esme: Bubbles, shmubbles, who gives a shit.

Alice: Apparently, it's Darlisle's favorite hobby.

Dsme: Yeah, he's kind of...you know...OFF.

Renesmee: Oh, this whole family's like that, don't worry about it.

JustinBieber: -panting hard- Oh...my...GOD! I've been chasing you guys for FOUR PAGES!

Edward: BOO-HOO. You didn't mind moving so much last night.

Jasper: Gasp! Edward! You're cheating on me?

Edward: And Justin. And Jacob. And Harry Potter. And Bonquiqui.


	6. Chapter 6

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the Ohio Players or "Funky Worm", Hillshire Farm, or Walmart, most unfortunately. We do, however, own some cheese enchiladas, Garbage Express, Jasper's koala child, RandomGrandma, Fatass Burgers, Fries, Potato, and Grapes, and WienerDog.**

* * *

><p>Previously…<p>

_JustinBieber: -panting hard- Oh…my…GOD! I've been chasing you guys for FOUR PAGES!_

_Edward: BOO-HOO. You didn't mind moving so much last night._

_Jasper: Gasp! Edward! You're cheating on me?_

_Edward: And Justin. And Jacob. And Harry Potter. And Bonquiqui._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6:<strong>

Jasper: Well, damn! If you're cheating on me, you might as well eat a cheese enchilada.

Edward: Sorry, babe, I don't eat in-chee-la-das.

Rosalie: HEY!

Carlisle: Mah home-skillet biscuits in the hizzouse!

Bella: POTATO FARMS IN IOWA!

Rosalie: Wha-

Bella: PREGNANT BOAR GIVES BIRTH TO WORLD'S LARGEST KOALA!

Carlisle: Are yo-

Bella: YOU TALKIN' TO ME? ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

Esme: No, we're talking to the wall.

Bella: Really, idiot, I don't see a wall anywhere.

Esme: That's because it's in Emmett's ass, numbnut.

Renesmee: I don't need to explain the numbnut situation to anyone again, do I?

Everyone: … … … …

Renesmee: No? Good.

Rosalie: So, I was walking down the street, right?

Everyone: Right.

Rosalie: Then this very suave hobo gave me this perfume called Garbage Express. YUP.

Bella: Nice story, Rosy.

Carlisle: What the hell was the point of that story?

Rosalie: What was the point of your training bra?

Carlisle: -looks offended- I like the way they smell…

Esme: Well, I have a story, too…

Rosalie: Yeah. The only difference is that nobody cares.

Emmett: *bursts through the wall with a blanket and teddy bear* OH! OH! I WANNA HEAR!

Esme: So once upon a time-

Jasper: BOOTS! PICKLES! KNIVES! SHOES!

Esme: -there was a-

Rosalie: YOU TOUCH MY BUTT, I'LL EAT YO-!

Esme: LITTLE GIRL WHO-

Edward: EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY, I FALL, WITHOUT-

Esme: LIKED PICKLES-!

Carlisle: -screams in some unknown African language-

Esme: WILL EVERYBODY SHUT THE F%$K UP!

Jasper: Esme, why'd you censor f%$k? F%$K!

Esme: That wasn't me.

Rosalie: I think it was Carl.

Emmett: THIS MEANS WAR! -brings out machete-

Jasper: A big stick. I'm SO SCARED.

Bella: Yo.

Jasper: AHHHHHH!

Carlisle: It's MY TURN, bitches!

Everyone: … … … …

Renesmee: Go ahead, skank.

Carlisle: Soooo…..this is a story all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down, and I'd like to take a moment just sit right there-

Rosalie: WAIT A MINUTE! I've seen this episode. -hits remote- -slaps Carlisle- MOM! The dipshit's broken!

Esme: THEN GO FIX IT.

Rosalie: I CAN'T, I'M STILL DOING THE MATH LIKE YOU SAID, DAMN IT!

Bella: Still? Bitch, I had a kid in the time it's taking you to do first-grade math.

Jasper: So did I!

Everyone: o_O say what.

Jasper: Yup. -holds up baby koala- It's a boy.

Emmett: You're the pregnant boar we saw on the dipshit?

Jasper: Really convincing costume, huh?

Emmett: This family is so damn corrupt. What else happened?

Rosalie: Well…the tuna fish ate a tuna salad.

Emmett: CANNIBAL!

Rosalie: Nah, it's his obsessive fetish for exotic salads.

Jasper: Tuna salad is not exotic, Sherlock.

Rosalie: This is a soap opera? I never knew.

JustinBieber: NEVER. SAY. NEVER!

Carlisle: Never.

JustinBieber: Bitch! -melts into puddle-

Renesmee: Noo! Carlisle! What have you DONE? -sobs hysterically-

Esme: Don't tell me you actually liked him.

Renesmee: No, but…*sniff*…I was gonna have him for dinner…

Esme: Psh, fuck Dustin Beaver, you have Black Jack, don't you?

Carlisle: Hey. When Bieber Boy said 'never' he didn't melt. So when I said 'never', why did he decide to melt?

Jasper: It's some kind of syndrome-STD-thingy he got from Edward, I bet.

Emmett: But you slept with Edward, too! That means you should have it, right?

Carlisle: Oh! Let's try! Okay… -clears throat- Ready?

Jasper: Yup. -puts koala on floor-

Carlisle: Never.

Everyone: … … … …

Bella: Nothing.

Rosalie: Just like when you and Edward have sex!

Everyone: OOOOOHH!

Bella: Shut up, Rosalie! Emmett doesn't even enjoy your blowjobs anymore and you WONDER WHY YOUR LIPS ARE CHAPPED, HUH?

Everyone: O.O OOOOOHH!

Rosalie: Really, whore? You wanna get down? 'Cause I just KNOW you'll do that with JUST ABOUT ANYONE.

Everyone: OOOOHHHHHH!

Renesmee: No, she did NOT! Kick her ass, mom!

*furious bitch-fight follows*

Bella: Grrrrrr, WOOF-WOOF!

Rosalie: BOW-WOW, BOW-WOW!

Jasper: This reminds me of the fight Leah and Emily had over Sam.

Emmett: Yeah, except there was whipped cream in that one.

Rosalie: You wanna piece of this, slut? -brings out can of whipped cream-

Bella: No, but I do wanna piece of this! -pulls out piece of cake-

Edward: Nasty old lady.

Bella: Excuse me?

Edward: You heard me.

Bella: No, actually I didn't.

Edward: -licks Bella's cheek-

Bella: Umm, this is kind of an invasion of my personal space!

Edward: -lifts up Bella's arm and licks up under her armpit-

Bella: Is this your idea of intimacy?

Edward: -pulls Bella's shirt up and licks her back-

Bella: Okay, this is getting really weird.

Rosalie: Oh, what the heck! -sprays whipped cream in her hair-

Renesmee: -sniffing the floor-

Carlisle: Me and the Ohio Players are gonna tell you about a worm.

OhioPlayers: He's the funkiest worm in the world.

RandomGrandma: Okay. Sing it fellas!

Carlisle and OhioPlayers: There's a worm in the ground-

Jasper: No, it's an acorn you dumbass.

Carlisle: I should have known. -fires Ohio Players- -walks out-

OhioPlayers: Damn, we haven't had a gig since 1962.

RandomGrandma: -walks up to Dsme- Umm…I'd like to order a Fatass Burger with a side of Fatass Fries.

Dsme: Alice, I think someone wants to order food.

Alice: Sorry, we don't serve Fatass Burgers or Fatass Fries, only Fatass Potatoes.

Edward: Care to explain why Fatass is in front of everything?

Alice: Because I renamed my restaurant Fatass Potato.

Edward: Why not just fat?

Alice: Because then thousands of American's asses would feel left out.

Bella: *sarcastic* And we wouldn't want THAT to happen.

Edward: We really wouldn't. It could result in mass-ass suicide.

Carlisle: All because Alice renamed her restaurant even though she still has a grand total of zero potatoes.

Alice: That's complete bullshit. It's three grapes now.

Carlisle: But still no potatoes.

Alice: What are you trying to say?

Carlisle: That your theory makes less sense than a cow in a kangaroo's pouch in the middle of the highway.

Alice: Carlisle, do you own Fatass Potato?

Carlisle: No…

Alice: Then you legally have no right to tell me it makes less sense than a cow in a kangaroo's pouch in the middle of the highway, which is actually a sight quite common in the depths of Tacoland.

Everyone: OOOHH!

Carlisle: But we aren't in Tacoland, are we?

Everyone: OOOHHHHH!

Alice: LOOK AROUND, OLD MAN!

Carlisle: Oh, fuck! When did we get HERE?

Emmett: We won a vacation.

Bella: Yeah. Me and Emmett showed off our ho skills.

Edward: I knew buying Carlisle's tape was a good idea.

Emmett: You just got OUT-HOED!

Carlisle: Emmett, stop being a douche-nozzle.

Bella: What the hell is a douche-nozzle?

Renesmee: All right. I got it. Douche-nozzle: Noun, meaning: a cowboy in New York eating a lizard whose mother is a stripper.

Bella: Well, that sounds kinky.

Emmett: And how is that kinky?

Alice: AHHHHH!

Rosalie: You are so late.

Alice: NO! Business is booming!

Jasper: How the fuck is that even possible?

WienerDog: I'd like to order a Fatass Grape.

Alice: Sure thing, random Wiener Dog! That'll be $6,000.

WienerDog: How affordable. -pays Alice- -walks away-

* * *

><p>(Plus tax. We can't forget tax.)<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen**

**A Collaborative Effort**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, The Jersey Shore, ChocolateRainGuy, YOLO, or Miley Cyrus. We do own WienerDog, Dsme/Darlisle/the Buttsicles, The Jersey Shore: Vampire Edition, Fatass Potato, Fatass Grape, Bella Swan on a Stick, and Justina Biebera.**

* * *

><p>Previously...<p>

_Alice: NO! Business is booming!_

_Jasper: How the fuck is that even possible?_

_WienerDog: I'd like to order a Fatass Grape._

_Alice: Sure thing, random Wiener Dog! That'll be $6,000._

_WienerDog: How affordable. -pays Alice- -walks away-_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7:<strong>

Edward: Sixteen years have passed since the time of the great rich WienerDog. The town is now quiet and desolate-

Bella: No, it's not.

Edward: The werewolves died long ago-

Jacob: No, we didn't, you dipshit.

Edward: Dsme, Darlisle, and the other Buttsicles now star in The Jersey Shore: Vampire Edition.

TV: NEXT ON 'THE JERSEY SHORE: VAMPIRE EDITION, DASPER WAS CAUGHT EATING A COW FROM LOUISIANA. WILL DLICE EVER FORGIVE HIM?

Dosalie: LOL, no.

Carlisle: Why are you here?

Dosalie: I'm officially banned from walking in or flying over every state except Washington now due to smacking police in the face with a wet fish.

Carlisle: Oh. ... Okay.

Edward: The skies rain chocolate every Tuesday.

ChocolateRainGuy: Yeah.

Edward: Alice's Fatass Potato restaurant was closed down due to overflow of Fatass and lack of Potato-

Alice: That was Emmett's fault.

Emmett: *in boxing outfit* Let's go, bitch.

[6 day boxing match occurs. Alice wins by beating Emmett with raw chickens.]

Edward: It's been three years since anyone has sent Alice mail. Until today.

Alice: I GOT FUCKING MAIL? BELLA SWAN ON A STICK WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!

Bella: ... what.

Alice: *opens letter* *coughs* *throws up a little* Ahem. Oh! It's from Justin Bieber!

Jasper: I thought he died in a tragic vampire accident.

Alice: Yeah, he did. The date says 2011, though, he was a girl back then, remember.

Edward: He was also bad in bed. Just saying.

Bella: What's the letter say?

Alice: I'm getting to that, numbnut. Okay. It says 'Dear Alice-' ohmygod that's my name '-I wrote this to let you know that I hate you. You and your family ruined my life and my career as a lesbian model, then I had to hire someone to sing while i moved my lips. Do you know how much it costs to hire a singer?'

Carlisle: I know right. I charge by the minute.

Alice: Shut up. 'It's also hard to move your lips. I've lost alot of money on chapstick and it's all your fault. Also, your Fatass Grape prices are ridiculous. It's over. Don't talk to me or my mom ever again. Sincerely, Justina Biebera.'

Esme: He was Mexican that whole time?

Renesmee: Just when you think you know a girl.

Jasper: Can we go get some Louisiana cow now?

Carlisle: Sure.

[Everyone leaves and eats several dozen cows and and mostly lives happily ever after except Edward.]

Edward: *wearing YOLO hat* FUCK DA HATERS *walks off carrying Miley Cyrus and her new haircut on his back*

* * *

><p><strong>The End.<strong>


End file.
